


The Road Not Taken

by TLin



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Consent Issues, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2000-09-01
Updated: 2000-09-01
Packaged: 2020-06-27 18:32:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19796635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TLin/pseuds/TLin
Summary: The unexpected arrival of one of Kirk's 'old flames' puts a strain on his friendship with Spock. Part of the Kirk/Spock Online Festival.





	The Road Not Taken

**Author's Note:**

> Note from LadyKardasi and Sahviere, the archivists: this story was originally archived at [Side by Side](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Side_by_Side_\(Star_Trek:_TOS_zine\)) and was moved to the AO3 as part of the Open Doors project in 2019. We tried to reach out to all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are the creator and would like to claim this work, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Side by Side’s collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sidebyside/profile).

Our final orders have just arrived … we are to meet up with the LEXINGTON, and transfer over a group of scientists who are on their way home to Earth. We are then to proceed home. Barring any unforeseen incidents, we will reach Earth’s orbit in approximately 30 days, where the ENTERPRISE will go into dry-dock for a complete refit. Our five year mission is at an end.

Although there is no news yet about future crew assignments, I have been told that my requests and recommendations are being considered. I’m glad to hear that, as this crew has performed admirably, and they deserve everything I have recommended for them.

END LOG.

>{}<>{}<>{}<>{}<

PERSONAL LOG:

On a more personal note, I am having second thoughts about the request I made for myself… I’m not sure if it would be a good thing for me to sit around Starfleet Headquarters while I wait for the ENTERPRISE refit to be completed. Suddenly, teaching does not seem as interesting as it did when I made the suggestion to Komack.

Of course, another option would be requesting another command, which would make me unavailable for the ENTERPRISE when she is done. This I will not do … I want the ENTERPRISE back, and that’s that! We’ve been through too much together over the past five years … both good and bad … to walk away from it now, just so I will not be bored.

Besides … I _do_ need a break. This has been a difficult five years, no matter how rewarding they have also been. To constantly be responsible for the lives of all who serve under your command … the need to balance duty and obligation with the desire for friendship and love … all of these things are draining … both physically and emotionally.

So I guess my original request is the best option for me … but what about Spock? Will he be willing to do the same in order to be my First Officer once again? Or will he decide to move on, accepting a command of his own? He does deserve it … although I must admit, I will be lost without him at my side. Of course, if he decides to move on, I will do nothing to hold him back … that would be completely unfair to him.

Damn … I’m tired … here I am, driving myself nuts … trying to make a decision about something that hasn’t even been offered to me yet … and may never be. Besides, I have the strange feeling that the Brass have something else in mind for me … and if it’s what I think it is, I will have a much larger problem to deal with than the boredom of teaching.

END LOG.

>{}<>{}<>{}<>{}<

Kirk and Spock were in the transporter room, awaiting the transfer from the LEXINGTON. Spock could see that the Captain seemed troubled … whether it was about their current assignment, or something more, he did not know. He did, however, know that the two of them needed to talk … soon.

Knowing that there were only a few moments before the scientists beamed up, Spock asked, “Captain … will you join me for dinner this evening?”

“Wha…?” replied a slightly distracted Kirk, as if he had been unaware that Spock was next to him. “Dinner? Of course.” As Kirk focused on the conversation, his mood visibly brightened, and he went on, “actually, there are a few things we need to get straightened away before we dock, and now is as good a time as any. The closer we get to Earth, the less time we’ll have for ‘personal time’, I fear.”

“My thoughts exactly.”

Before Spock could say any more, the intercom chirped, “Uhura, to Captain Kirk.”

“Kirk here.”

Uhura — who was on the bridge, sharing ships logs, and making arrangements to swap entertainment tapes, as was the custom whenever two ships of the line met in space — replied, “Captain, the scientists are ready to beam aboard. I’ve transferred their coordinated to the transporter room.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant.”

“Just doing my job, Cap’n … Uhura, out.”

Anxious to get underway once more, Kirk told the transporter operator to energize. It would take several trips for the whole party to arrive, and even more time for all their equipment to be transferred to the cargo bay. The sooner they got started, the sooner they would be done … then he could spend the evening in quiet discussion with his First Officer.

As the first group arrived, however, all thought of spending the evening with Spock left his mind. For there, at the head of the group, stood Dr. Carol Marcus … and next to her, a young boy that had to be her … correction, _their_ son, David.

As the group stepped off of the platform, Kirk stood there, dumbstruck. Spock immediately noticed the change in his demeanor, and turned to speak to him, but noticed the look on his face. Spock had not seen such a look of astonishment and pure joy on his Captain’s face in a very long time.

Curious as to the cause of Jim’s elation, he followed his gaze to the woman and child who had just stepped off of the platform. The boy — who was blond and blue-eyed, and approximately ten Earth years old — looked somewhat bored. The woman, on the other hand, obviously knew Jim, and by the smile that lit her face as she came toward him, she knew him well.

Suddenly, Spock looked to the boy again … // _could it be?_ // he thought, as he looked to the mother, son, and his friend. // _could Jim have a family that he never told me about?_ // Spock frowned ever so slightly as Jim finally regained his composure, and took the woman in his arms.

After a brief, but fierce hug, he stepped back, taking her by the shoulders, and said, “long time … and all that.” looking her up and down, he smiled, and went on, “you look great! Why didn’t you contact me … let me know you’d be coming aboard?”

“Same old Jim … you haven’t changed at all.” she said, as she, too, looked him over. “And I didn’t contact you because I had no idea what ship we were transferring to … had I known, I would have warned you … although I must admit,” she added with a twinkle in her eye, “the look on your face when I materialized was priceless …”

At her words, Jim looked away, to the boy at her side. Although he had never met David, there was no mistaking him … the family resemblance was undeniable. Seeing where his gaze fell, Carol stepped away from him, and called the boy to her side. “David, I’d like to introduce you to an old friend of mine … Captain James Kirk. Jim, this is my son, David.”

Spock could not help but notice the slight look Jim gave Dr. Marcus, and her subtle shake of her head. // _fascinating_ // he thought, as he took in the scene. Just then, Kirk remembered that Spock was in the room, and looked over to where his First Officer stood. Noting the slightly raised eyebrow, he realized that Spock was adding things up, and knew an explanation was in order … later. For now, introductions would have to do.

“Carol, David … I’d like to introduce you to my First Officer, Mr. Spock.” Giving Spock an embarrassed smile, he continued, “Spock … Dr. Carol Marcus, and her son, David.”

Raising his hand in the traditional Vulcan greeting, he said, “Live long and prosper, Dr. Marcus,” and he turned to address David with the same greeting. Introductions completed, the group fell into an uneasy silence while the rest of the science team materialized behind them, and quickly made their way out of the transporter room.

In an effort to diffuse the situation, Kirk started to explain to Spock that he and Dr. Marcus had been friends while he was at the Academy. At which point Carol spoke up, saying, “well, Jim … a little more than ‘friends’ … after all, we lived together for over three years.”

Jim smiled, and added, “yes .. along with six other people … four cats, and a dog.” They both started to laugh as memories of the over-crowded student housing came back to them. As Jim got his laughter under control, he added for Spock’s benefit, “they were a very interesting three years.”

“Indeed,” he replied, with a raised brow, and then added, as he once again looked from Jim to Carol and the boy, “you must enlighten me some time.”

Jim frowned, and gave Spock a ‘later’ gesture, then turned to Carol saying, “let’s get you two settled … then, perhaps, we could get caught up over dinner?”

“That would be very nice, Jim. We do have a lot of catching-up to do, don’t we?” by now, they had reached the guest quarters that had been assigned to Carol and her son, and as they entered the room, she added, “let me get cleaned up and settled in. I’ll get dinner for David, then we’ll have the rest of the evening to ourselves.”

At her words, Jim looked to Spock, suddenly remembering that he already had plans for this evening. Silently, he pleaded with Spock to understand, and with a nod, Spock said, “enjoy your evening, Captain.” He was, however, unable to resist the urge to let Dr. Marcus know that she had disrupted his plans, and added, “… however, if it would not be too inconvenient, I would like you to join me for breakfast. After all, you did say that there were several issues we needed to discuss.”

“Yes … of course, Mr. Spock,” he said with relief and gratitude. “0700 hours … ?”

“My quarters, I believe, would be best … the mess hall is too crowded at that hour of the morning for discussion.”

“Very well … see you in the morning, Spock.”

“Captain … Dr. Marcus.” And with a nod, he took his leave of them, silently wondering …

>{}<>{}<>{}<>{}<

Spock had experienced a wide range of emotions over the years, but had always been able to control them … and of course, he had also been able to hide them from all around … even himself, on occasion. Today was no exception .. to anyone who saw the First Officer, as he made his way to his quarters, it was ‘business as usual’. Little did they know that under that calm, controlled exterior was a man on the verge of emotional collapse.

Spock was on autopilot … his mind a thousand miles away, as he made his way to his quarters. As the door closed behind him, he slumped against the wall, collapsing to the floor as he lost his fight to control his emotions.

Spock had been in love with Jim for as long as he could remember, but STARFLEET protocol made it virtually impossible for him to act on his feelings. And of course, he did not know how Jim wold have reacted, had he known. Fearing rejection, he spent the last few years keeping his feelings to himself … it had been enough to just be there for Jim, in every way that he could be.

Lately, however, he had gotten the impression that his feelings might be reciprocated … and with the upcoming conclusion of their mission, this would be the ideal time to broach the subject. If their feelings were mutual, they could leave STARFLEET, and make a life together. If they were not, they could go their separate ways … no questions asked … just a change of missions … careers heading in different directions … no strings attached.

But that was not what Spock wanted. He wanted … no, _NEEDED_ … Kirk to be part of his life. As he slowly regained his composure, he thought about what he had seen in the transporter room. Obviously, Dr. Carol Marcus was more than just an ‘old friend’. Disregarding the fact that she has a son who looks so much like Jim, there is the undeniable fact that they lived in the same house for three years! The Jim Kirk he knows would never be able to resist that kind of temptation … but then, why not say ‘old lover’? Where they trying to protect the boy? Does he not know that Jim Kirk is his father … something that Spock was 99.685% sure of?

And if Jim _is_ in fact the boy’s father, what will it mean to him to have his son come into his life at this time? They will have 29.35 days to ‘get to know one another’ … and Jim and Carol will have the same amount of time to get ‘reacquainted’.

Will Jim regret not having them in his life for all these years? Will he see a possible future with them that he feels he cannot find anywhere else? Or would he be willing to give up the chance of a wife and son, to share his life with a lowly Vulcan who has been too afraid to tell him how he feels?

// _or am I being a fool?_ // Spock thinks … realizing that this is all speculation … pointless and without facts to back it up.

Slowly, he disrobes, and donning his black meditation robe, kneels in front of his fire pot. Perhaps his answers can be found in the solitude of meditation.

>{}<>{}<>{}<>{}<

An hour after he had left them in their quarters, Jim returned … showered and changed into more casual attire. It was rare for Jim Kirk to be seen on his ship out of uniform … so rare that he couldn’t help but notice the stares and double takes he received as he made his way from crew quarters to guest quarters.

As he entered the rooms that were assigned to Carol and David, he noticed that the boy was deeply engrossed in a game of some sort, and barely acknowledged his presence. Carol was nowhere in sight, but called out from the other room, “I’ll just be a minute … make yourself comfortable.”

“Take your time,” he replied, as he sat on the sofa, where he could see what David was playing. He watched the boy play in silence … torn between wanting to talk to him, and not wanting to disturb his game. // _there’s plenty of time to talk_ // he thought, as he realized they would have nearly a month together before they got home. // _I may not be able to be his father … but I_ **_can_ **_be his friend_ //

As Carol came into the room, he shook himself mentally. There was no point in actually thinking about _being_ David’s father, for although he _was_ , biologically, Carol had made it perfectly clear right from the beginning that he had no obligation to her or David. As a matter of fact, she had no intention of ever telling David that James T. Kirk _was_ , in fact, his father.

“Carol … you look beautiful,” he said, as he stood … allowing her presence to distract him from his son.

“Why, thank you … and may I add that you look rather dashing this evening, too.”

Kirk bowed his head slightly as he accepted her compliment, then asked, “are you ready?”

“Yes,” she replied, as she went over to David, and kissed him on the top of the head. “Don’t stay up too late … and remember, if you need anything, Tammy is right next door.”

“I know, mom,” he murmured, “… have a good time,” and with that, he returned his full attention to the game.

Taking Carol by the hand, he led her out of the room, and to the Arboretum. The journey there conducted in silence, as both appeared to be lost in thought.

When they arrived at their destination, Carol stopped short, and looked all around. The room was full of exotic plants … some with brilliant flowers, others of odd-colors for plants … at least from a human point of view. In the midst of this profusion of leaves and blossoms sat a small table, set for two. Beside the table was a bottle of champagne.

Seeing her reaction, Jim couldn’t help but smile as he took her by the elbow and directed her to a seat. He deftly opened the champagne bottle, and filled the two glasses before he sat, himself. Raising his glass to Carol, he said, “to old friends.”

“Old friends,” she repeated, and they clicked their glasses and sipped the bubbly wine. “It _is_ good to see you, Jim. It’s hard to believe that it has been nearly 10 years.”

“9 years, 7 months, 23 days … and an odd number of minutes,” he added with a sly smile, “I could always call Spock here to calculate them for me.”

She laughed, saying, “no … that won’t be necessary.” As her laughter died down, an awkward silence fell between them. In all the years since she decided to have a child, she never once regretted the decision to raise him by herself … but now, with Jim sitting right across the table from her, she wondered if _he_ ever regretted not being part of David’s life. // _hell … it’s not like I even gave him the choice_ // she thought, as she watched him closely.

It was obvious to Carol that Jim, too, had something on his mind. As she watched him, he appeared to be looking back at her … without actually seeing her. After several minutes of silence, he appeared to shake himself slightly, before focusing on his companion. They both began to speak at the same time, eliciting more laughter from the couple.

Eventually, Jim said, “a credit for your thoughts?”

“Oh … just a lot of silliness. You know, the kind of things one tends to think about when their past catches up with them.” She tried to shrug off her melancholy, but Jim saw through her ruse. “What about you?”

“The same, I’m afraid.” he sipped his champagne before continuing, “I’ve been finding myself asking ‘what if …?’ a lot lately. Our mission is coming to an end, and new choices and decisions must be made … I suppose that has a lot to do with it.”

Carol sat back and sipped her champagne, once again studying Jim closely. She quickly came to a conclusion, and asked, “Jim … are you happy? Was your journey to the stars all you expected it to be?”

Jim didn’t hesitate, “Yes … I’m happy. To be in space … the exploration … the discoveries … all of it … it more than matched my expectations.” He paused, thinking, then added, “of course, there were also some disappointments … the inevitable ‘red-tape’ … unavoidable conflicts where people under my command lost their life … worlds and people we could not help because of the Prime Directive … but I wouldn’t trade any of it.”

“I am glad to hear that,” she said, almost in a whisper. Once again she seemed to compose herself, before continuing, “this one’s a bit tougher … have you had enough yet?”

He looked at her as if he had been expecting the question … as if he knew where she was going with this line of questioning, and was afraid of the outcome if he answered. To mask his fear, he refilled their glasses, then set his down, untouched. Leaning his elbows on the table, and resting his chin on his joined fists, he finally said, “to be truthful … I don’t know.”

She gave a hollow laugh before she replied, “well … at least you’re honest about it.” Seeing that he was going to speak, she raised her hand to stop him, continuing, “no … don’t say anything. When you and I made our arrangement 10 years ago, I told you that you had no obligation to me or my child … I have no right to ask you to change that now. But I would like to know … have you ever thought about settling down, doing the ‘family’ thing?”

“Of course I have … and I have a feeling that every person on the ship has at one time or another. But you’d have to admit … we would hardly have a ‘typical’ family!” He stood, and paced in the small space around their table, then turned to look at Carol once again. “May I ask you something?” at her nod, he continued, “You know me … you know my tastes and pleasures …so tell me, if I were to leave Starfleet … be your ‘husband’ and David’s father … would you be happy with that kind of marriage?”

It was Carol’s turn to hesitate, but only for a heartbeat. When she looked him in the eyes, she could see the fear there, and answered at once, “Yes, I could. I have lived alone with my son for almost 10 years … I could use a little companionship, if you would be willing.” She did not want to scare him off, so she quickly amended, “there’s no need to make the decision tonight … or even before we reach Earth. Take your time … if you agree to this, I want you to be absolutely sure that this is right for you.”

With those words, Jim once again took his seat, and the conversation moved onto safer subjects. The tension, however, remained in the background … to Jim, it reminded him of the night that Carol had approached him about wanting a child, and what she needed from him … no strings attached.

At that time, he had feared she would change her mind, and want more from him than he was able to give her. To his amazement, she never did, she was apparently perfectly content with her choice of single-parenthood. So, when he saw her and her son for the first time today, he was surprised to realize that he wished that she _would_ ask more of him … and now that she _had_ … he wasn’t so sure any more.

Distracting himself from his musing, he found other topics to discuss. She told him what she could of her work in terra-forming, and the knew techniques they were experimenting in … he talked about some of the fascinating places he had been.

They ate as they talked, and soon, it was time for Carol to return to her rooms. Jim escorted her through the ship once more, and left her at her door, saying, “I will consider your proposal … but I want you to think about something, as well.”

“And what would that be?” she asked, not sure she wanted to hear the answer.

He took her by the shoulders, and looked into her eyes, saying “Consider letting me know David, as his father, even if I do not agree to marry you.”

She nodded, then said in a small voice, “I will think about it.”

“That’s all I’m asking,” and he kissed her on the forehead, and gave her a hug.

She returned the hug with a strength that surprised him … as if she was desperate not to let him go. Her hug, however, was as brief as it was fierce … she stepped back, and activated the door mechanism. “Good night, Jim.”

“Good night, Carol”

>{}<>{}<>{}<>{}<

Jim arrived at precisely 0700 hours. He pressed the buzzer, and after a moment, the door opened. When he entered Spock’s quarters, he was surprised to note that he looked tired … as a matter of fact, his hair was slightly mussed, and he needed a shave. Jim smiled, as he realized that he must have woken Spock up.

“Am I early?”

“No, Jim … I was meditating,” Spock replied, then continued somewhat embarrassed, “I lost track of time.”

Jim, unable to resist teasing his Vulcan friend, said, “you … lose track of time … amazing!”

He expected to see that little half-smile Spock would give him when he knew he was being teased, and realized there was something wrong when he didn’t get it. Assuming that Spock was upset about the change of plans the night before, Kirk quickly said, “Spock … I’m sorry about last night.” He smiled, and chuckled slightly as he went on, “but you know how it is … hell … I was so shocked to see her after all these years, I didn’t know what I was doing or saying.”

“Understandable. There is no need for an apology.” Spock led the way into his small service area, where he had set up his small table for breakfast. He had already programed banana pancakes for the two of them, with coffee for Jim, tea for himself. In seconds, their breakfasts had arrived, and the two sat down to eat in silence.

Jim was the first to break the silence. “Spock … as you know, there were some things I wanted to discuss with you.”

“Yes, Captain.”

“Well …” he paused, not knowing where to begin. Finally, he decided a direct route was the best way. “Spock … I wanted to discuss the future with you. I wanted to see what you had planned to do once we get back to Earth … whether or not you intended to request a command of your own, or wait around, so that you could be my First Officer, when I get the ENTERPRISE back.”

Seeing that Spock was about to say something, he held up his hand to stop him, “no, don’t answer me yet … there’s more. I wanted to know this, so that I could make up my mind about what _I_ was going to do. But now, the situation has been further complicated.”

“How so, captain?” Spock asked, although he could already guess.

Jim finished his coffee, then stood and started to pace. He spoke softly, but knew that Spock could hear every word, “until yesterday, I figured I had a couple of options available to me once we get back to Earth. One … I could accept another command, head right back out here without skipping a beat … but miss out on commanding the ENTERPRISE when she’s ready once again, or two … request a teaching position at Starfleet Academy, where I’ll be Earthbound for the next 18 months, while the ENTERPRISE is going through her re-fit.”

He stopped his pacing, facing Spock as he continued, “now, apparently, I have another option … one I never expected to come my way.” He paused once again, trying to read any reaction on Spock’s face … “Carol asked me to leave Starfleet … and marry her … to be a father for David.”

Spock sat, as if made of stone. He had prepared himself for something like this … but it still hurt to hear Jim say it. When he knew that he could speak without emotion in his voice, he looked into the eyes of the one he loved, and asked, “is the boy your son?”

“Yes.” Spock closed his eyes ever so briefly … to most, the subtle change would barely be noticed, but to Jim, it spoke volumes … loss, betrayal, anger, grief … all these emotions, and more, were in that simple gesture . Kirk turned away, and resumed his pacing … he could not look into those eyes that could express so much.

When he spoke, his emotion was evident in his voice, his words sounded harsh and full of anger … he did not take notice of it. “Jim, I cannot presume to tell you how to live your life. You must do as your heart tells you.” He was about to say more when Kirk stopped and faced him, a look of pure anguish on his face.

“But Spock … my heart is torn! I want to know my son … but is that knowing worth the price of giving up everything I love?” Tired, worn out and dejected, Kirk turned and sat on the sofa, elbows on his knees, and his head in his hands, “I don’t know what to do,” he murmured.

Spock, seeing his Captain like this, wanted to reach out to him … offer him comfort … but knew that his advances would be unwanted. Obviously, his friend was torn between his love of exploration aboard the ENTERPRISE, and the chance to have a family … Spock did not see how his own desires could do anything but further complicate the situation, so kept them to himself.

Finally, he offered the only words that he trusted himself to say, “Jim … I wish I could help you … tell you what you should do … but I cannot. You have to make this decision by yourself.”

Composing himself, Kirk stood, saying, “I know that, Spock … and luckily, I don’t have to make this decision right away.” He wanted to say more … wanted to tell Spock that it was _him_ he would rather spend the rest of his life with, but knew that Spock would not understand. Instead, he prepared to leave Spock’s quarters, saying, “It’s getting late … I’ll leave so you can get ready for your shift. See you on the bridge.”

“Yes, Captain.” And Spock watched him leave … still wishing he could have held him … comforted him … offered a solution they could both live with.

>{}<>{}<>{}<>{}<

Spock spent the morning on the bridge avoiding the Captain’s gaze … yet could not help but notice that every time he looked in his direction, Kirk was looking at him. There was something about his gaze that made Spock wonder what was on his mind … it was not the look of dejection he had seen earlier … more, a look of fascination. Spock found himself becoming aroused, and quickly looked away.

By mid morning, he had some experiments to work on in the science lab, and excused himself from the bridge. He would return after lunch. Usually, he would ask Kirk to join him, but today, he did not … he needed the time alone to contemplate his own future, now that there was no possibility of Kirk being part of the equation.

Finding a table set apart from the others, he ate his lunch in solitude. That is, until McCoy entered, and seeing him sitting alone, brought his lunch over to join him. “May I?” he asked, as he set his tray down on the table and sat across from the Vulcan.

“If you must,” Spock replied, without even looking up from his salad.

McCoy, who was nearly as perceptive as the Captain when it came to Spock’s moods, quickly surmised that something was troubling him. He also knew it was not wise to press the Vulcan … if he was going to talk, he would have to do it in his own way. McCoy would offer himself as a sounding board, but then it would be up to Spock.

Before McCoy was able to say anything, however, he saw Spock look up, and a scowl cross his face. Turning to see what prompted such a strong emotional reaction from the Vulcan, McCoy saw Jim enter with Carol and David Marcus. Realization hit moments later … Spock was jealous! He could see it in his eyes, as he followed Jim’s movement across the room.

As Spock started to stand, McCoy grabbed his hand, prompting him to sit once more, saying, “Spock … sit down and listen to me for a minute.” He knew he would only have one chance to say what needed to be said … he just hoped Spock would listen.

“You have to tell him! Right now!” he said in an urgent whisper.

“I do not know what you are talking about,” replied Spock, half-heartedly attempting to rise once more. McCoy would not release his wrist, however, and he was reluctant to make a scene. Taking another tack, he asked, “Doctor … are you aware that Carol Marcus has asked Jim to marry her?”

“No … but I’m not surprised. She tried that once before … but it would never work. Jim knows that … and deep down, she probably does, too.” McCoy’s hand moved from Spock’s wrist, to cover his hand where it rested on the table, as he said, “Spock … I know you have feelings for him.” Spock tried to pull his hand away, but McCoy still would not let go, but went on, “there’s no denying it … but, god damn it … if you don’t want to loose him, you’ll have to tell him.”

McCoy could see that his words were ringing true for the Vulcan, so pressed his point, while he had the advantage. “He’s in a vulnerable state right now … the prospect of ‘settling down’ may look appealing at this moment, but in a few years, he’ll be restless. He’ll want to get back to the stars … he needs the adventure … the conflicts … the excitement. He’s not the sort to sit by, and watch the grass grow.”

Spock considered McCoy’s words, and knew they were true. He could not, however, reconcile the fact that Jim was David’s father … whether or not he loved Carol right now was not an issue … he must have at one time, if they had had a child together. Or at least, he must have thought he loved her. How could anything he had to offer compare to that? He said as much to McCoy, who shook his head, saying, “yes, Jim is the boy’s father … but it is not quite what you think. Talk to him … tell him how you feel … and ask him about David. Otherwise, I’m afraid he’ll make the biggest mistake of his life … and so will you.”

>{}<>{}<>{}<>{}<

Several days passed before Spock had an opportunity to speak to Kirk privately. They were both getting off duty at the same time, and found themselves in the turbolift, alone. Spock was on his way to his quarters, Kirk, to visit with McCoy in sickbay. Not wanting to waste this infrequent opportunity, Spock said, “Captain? Are you free this evening?”

“I’ve no definite plans … what did you have in mind?” He smiled as he asked, “dinner and a game of chess, perhaps? I’ve missed our games lately. Sorry I haven’t been around much, but you know how it is.”

“Indeed … dinner then, at 1900 hours … my quarters.”

As the lift came to a stop, Kirk stepped out, saying, “1900 … in your quarters. See you then.”

Spock smiled slightly as he saw the look on Jim’s face, as the turbolift door closed. // _perhaps it is not too late_ // he thought, knowing that Jim was looking forward to their ‘dinner date’.

>{}<>{}<>{}<>{}<

Kirk was not sure why Bones had asked him to come by after shift today, but he assumed it had something to do with Carol, and her proposal … apparently, rumors had already started about their relationship … not to mention the speculation about her son. Spock wasn’t the only one to notice the resemblance.

Of course, McCoy knew all about Carol and how David came about … so that was not why he wanted to see him. // _maybe he just wants to offer his advice_ // Kirk thought, as his shift ended, and he left the bridge. As he stepped into the turbolift, Spock joined him. He smiled, as he realized this was the first time in days that they had been alone together … he suddenly realized that he missed his friend.

When Spock asked if he was free that evening, he automatically said yes … the tentative plans he had made with Carol could be put off for the night. He had been spending far too much time with her since she arrived, and had neglected Spock in the process. He was looking forward to spending a quiet evening with his Vulcan friend.

As he entered sickbay, his mind was racing … he suddenly realized that, if he accepted Carol’s proposal, he would most likely never see Spock again. Surprisingly, that aspect of her conditions had not occurred to him before now … to not only give up Starfleet, but his best friend … could he do that, and be at all happy with his life?

McCoy was in his office, finishing up some paperwork, as Kirk slumped into the only other chair in the room. Looking up and seeing Jim, McCoy swore, “damn!” He rose, went to the cabinet across the room, and returned with a bottle and two glasses. Pouring a generous amount into each, he handed one to Kirk and said, “drink that … it will make you feel better.”

“Thanks, Bones …” he said, after he downed the whole shot, “I’m not sure if it helped, but I appreciate the sentiment.” McCoy refilled his glass, and Jim sipped the Saurian Brandy before he continued, “So Bones … what did you want to see me about?”

“Look, Jim … I don’t want to pry … and god only knows, I’m not the one to give advice on your love life,” with this, he smiled, and sipped his own brandy, then went on, “but I understand you’ve got a major decision to make? And by the look on your face when you came in here, I could tell it’s wearing on you something fierce.” Once again, he paused for a sip, then changed his mind and finished the brandy before going on, “Damn it, Jim … I don’t want to see you making a big mistake …”

His words trailed off, as he contemplated what else to say, without saying too much. At times, Jim could be as stubborn as his Vulcan First Officer … but unless the two of them talk to each other … and get their feelings out in the open … they were both going to regret the outcome.

“Look … I just want to let you know that I’m here, if you need someone to talk to. But better yet, talk to Spock … tell him about Carol, and David … if nothing else, he deserves to know the truth about them. And you never know, he may be more understanding that you could ever imagine.”

“Actually, I’m having dinner with him tonight … and you’re right, he does deserve to know the whole story.” Jim set down his empty glass, and stood, saying, “you never know, he may actually be able to come up with a ‘logical’ solution to my dilemma … something that neither you or I would dream of in a million years.”

// _Oh, I can almost guarantee it_ // McCoy thought, but only said, “you may be right. That Vulcan logic of his has got to be good for something. Have a nice evening … and let me know how things turn out.”

“I will, Bones … and thanks for the Brandy.”

McCoy sat back in his chair, and poured himself another shot … he smiled to himself, knowing that there could be only one possible outcome to tonight’s dinner … unless they were both fools.

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Kirk arrived at precisely 1900 hours. He had decided to bring a bottle of white wine … a very light and somewhat fruity vintage that he knew Spock liked. He was already feeling slightly mellow from the Brandy he had with McCoy, and wanted to stay that way … the wine would help.

He had also decided to make this evening less formal by wearing civvies … the brown, wrap-style tunic and loose fitting slacks were far more comfortable than his uniform. When Spock’s door opened for him, he was pleased to note that he, too, had resorted to civilian dress. The black silk-like material of his Vulcan attire was extremely flattering … accentuating his alien features and physique.

Once again, Kirk found himself aroused by his friends presence, and was happy he had chosen the clothing he had on over his uniform. The tight slacks of the uniform made it virtually impossible to hide his attraction to his Vulcan First Officer … as a result, he spent a great deal of his time on the bridge with his legs crossed …or when possible, with a padd, or clip board in his lap. Spock had prepared vegetables, stir fried in a spicy sauce, with rice … and much to Jim’s surprise, also had a bottle of the fruity white wine. It was a perfect compliment for the spicy meal. They ate in virtual silence, as was traditional for Vulcan families … commenting on the food, or the quality of the wine, but nothing more until they had finished their meal.

To Jim, it all seemed suddenly rather romantic … what with the subdued lighting, and slightly warmer temperature that Spock kept his quarters at. They had eaten dinner like this before in the years they had known each other, but for some reason, tonight seemed different.

Perhaps it was the way Spock kept looking at him, as he ate … or the knowledge that he was finally going to tell Spock the truth about himself and his relationship with Carol. Whatever it was, he no longer felt the fear and apprehension about his future. He could _feel_ , deep down in his soul, that tonight, he and Spock would come up with a solution that he could live with.

Their dinner done, they cleared the dishes in silence, working together as if one … Jim felt a thrill of pleasure every time their hands would touch, and wondered if Spock felt it too. He still had no idea how Spock would react to his revelations, but trusted McCoy’s advice … // _maybe by the end of this night, I’ll know if my touch affects him, as his does me_ // he thought, and smiled at the prospect.

Taking the second bottle of wine with him into the living space of Spock’s quarters, Jim poured another glass for each of them, as he sat on the sofa. Spock took a seat in the chair, facing Jim. As one, they started to talk … both stopping after the first word. Jim chuckled, as Spock dipped his head, saying, “after you.”

“As you know, I’ve been trying to make a major decision about my future. And as you may or may not know, the longer I’ve been wrestling with this decision, the more difficult it is becoming. I find myself torn in many different … conflicting directions.” he paused to sip his wine, trying to choose his words carefully. He had been rehearsing this, in his mind, since he left McCoy’s office, but suddenly, the words were not coming to him.

He shook himself, and continued, “as I said, I’m conflicted … you told me to follow my heart … but first, I must know where it is leading me. Before I can do that, however, I must tell you a little something about myself … and the relationship I had with Carol Marcus ten years ago.”

He paused once again for just a heartbeat, then continued, “when I’m done with my revelations, I’ll need something from you in return.”

Spock nodded his consent, then said, ever so quietly, “I am yours to command. If it is within my ability, I will do it.”

“We will see, when the time comes.” Jim finished his glass of wine, then stood … he always found it easier to talk if he was pacing … a trait that Spock was quite familiar with. “So … where to begin?”

“At the beginning is always the best.” Spock interjected, and received a small smile from his friend. He loved to see Jim smile, and was glad to see some of the tension of the other morning had left his features.

“Yes … the beginning. Well, as I told you, Carol and I lived together while we were students. It was a rather large house, with far too many of us crammed into it … but it kept the rent down. I was attending Starfleet Academy, as were a few others in the house. Carol was at a nearby University. We found that our class schedules were similar, and soon found ourselves sharing transportation as well as living quarters.

“We also discovered that, because neither of us were ‘attached’, our friends were always trying to set us up with other people. We both hated these ‘blind dates’ … they always seemed to pick the absolutely ‘wrong’ people for us. So, in order to stop the fix-ups, we decided to always be there for the other … if there was a formal occasion that one needed to attend for school or whatever, the other would be their ‘date’ for the evening.

“It was a perfect solution … leaving both of us free to pursue ‘other interests’, without the complication of having to explain our ‘preferences’ to anyone.”

“If I may ask a question?” Spock asked, slightly confused by Jim’s choice of words. At his friends nod, he asked, “why would you have to explain your preference to anyone? I would think that if they were ‘setting you up’ with the wrong type of person, all you would have to do is tell them your preference, and the problem would be solved. Am I mistaken?”

Kirk chuckled, “yes … you would think that. And had I been a bit more sophisticated at the time, I probably would have done just that. But you see … I was a country boy. Where I came from, my ‘preference’ was frowned upon. Carol was in a similar situation. So we did what was best for us … pursued our interests in private, and ‘openly’ dated each other.”

“May I assume that your ‘preference’ was men?” Spock asked, realizing that he had not been mistaken in his assessment of their relationship, after all.

“Yes. And Carol prefers the company of women.” He looked at Spock, trying to read his friend, and was somewhat surprised to see a slight smile on the handsome features. “You look pleased,” he said, smiling back at his friend.

“I am … but please, continue your story. I must admit, I _am_ curious about David.”

“Ah, David … yes, I’ll get to that in a minute.” He poured himself another glass of wine, and offered some to Spock, who accepted it. Once again seated on the sofa, he continued his tale, “as I said, Carol and I had an arrangement … and it kept our friends from hounding us about ‘going out and finding someone’.

“By the time I was preparing for graduation, and looking forward to my first assignment, things had changed for us. Carol liked the arrangement we had … and wanted to make it permanent. You see, all her friends were getting married and having children. She liked the idea of a home and family … and thought our arrangement would be perfect. We even talked about ‘how’ we would have a child, and decided that artificial insemination was the best route for us. We made our plans … it wouldn’t hurt either of us to be ‘settled down’ … being a ‘family man’ looked good on a résumé, after all.

“We had set the date for our wedding, it would take place one week before I graduated. Because she wanted to have a child right away, and the uncertainty of where I would be assigned once I graduated, we met with a doctor before the wedding, who collected sperm samples, so that he could impregnate her during her next fertile cycle, whether or not I was here.

“Everything was going according to plan, until a week before the wedding. Suddenly, Carol decided that she wanted me to request an Earthbound post … or at the very least, one on another planet or outpost. The idea of taking off for a five-year mission on a starship terrified her. She wanted me to be somewhere where we could be together.

“I was not willing to give up everything I had worked for to remain earthbound, and told her as much. As you can imagine, we fought … and could not come to an agreement. The wedding was off … I graduated, and was assigned to the Farragut.” He fell silent then, composing himself to tell Spock the rest of the story.

“Obviously, this is not the end of the story … for it does not explain David.” Spock observed quietly.

“No, it isn’t.” He stopped to compose himself … he had forgotten how much Carol’s actions had affected him until now. “I had been on the Farragut for less than a month when I got a message from Carol. It was short, and very much to the point. It said; ‘ **I just wanted to inform you that I have been impregnated, as we had planned. I do not expect you to take any responsibility for me, or my child. As a matter of fact, I do not intend to tell my child who it’s father is … ever. Good bye, and have a good life. Carol.** ’

“Eight months later, I got another message … all it said was; ‘ **It’s a boy … his name is David James Marcus.** ’ … nothing more. The funny thing is, I did love her, in my own way … and I know she loved me. But it would have never worked out between us … not then … and not now. I didn’t realize until just now how much I resented her for what she did … never giving me a chance to know my son, even part time.”

“So … you have made a decision?” Spock asked, knowing that his fear of losing Kirk to Carol Marcus was no longer an issue.

“About Carol … yes. I won’t be marrying her … and I hope she will tell David about me, but I can’t force her to do that. Maybe I can at least convince her to let me get to know him, as a favorite Uncle.”

“Perhaps. So now you are back to square one, as McCoy would say.”

“Yes … that’s where you come in. I need to know what you plan to do. Are you willing to stay earthbound with me, until the ENTERPRISE is ready? Or do you plan to accept a command of your own?”

It was Spock’s turn to hesitate. Seeing that the wine was gone, he stood, and asked, “I am going to make some tea … would you like some, or would you prefer coffee?”

“Tea would be fine.” was Jim’s reply, smiling as he realized that Spock was stalling.

“Very well … I will just be a minute,” and he left the room to get the tea. Kirk stood, and went to the window, looking out at the stars as they streamed past. It was always disconcerting to see the stars through the unfiltered glass when they were at warp-speed, but it was one of the many things he was glad to have seen in his life.

Lost in thought, he was unaware of Spock’s return until he saw his reflection in the dark window and felt the warm hand on his shoulder. The touch, as always, sent a shiver through his body. He leaned into the touch, and was pleased to feel Spock’s body press against his back. He closed his eyes … lost in the pleasure he had only imagined, but never thought to experience.

Spock’s words, spoken so close to his ear, brought him back to the present. “As you have opened your heart and soul to me this night, I shall do the same. Come … let us sit, and I will give you my confession.” he guided Jim back to the sofa, and returned to the chair opposite him. The teapot was on the small table between them, and Spock poured the aromatic tea into the cups.

After sipping his tea, he set the cup down, and sat back, contemplating Jim over his steepled fingers. Quietly, he spoke. “You ask me what I plan to do with myself after we return to Earth. You say that you wish to know my decision in order to make your own.”

He paused, considering his next words carefully, then proceeded, “Starfleet protocol has limited my ability to be truthful with you. Since the moment I first met you, I found myself attracted to you … I found myself wanting to be near you. Not knowing how you would react to my ‘affection’, and knowing that a closer relationship would be out of the question if we wished to remain on the same ship, I made myself be contented with what we could have.

“I had planned to tell you this the other night over dinner … depending on your reaction to my confession, I figured we could work things out … together. But when Carol and David arrived, and I realized that he had to be your son, I _knew_ I had read the situation wrong, and you would never share my feelings for you. When you told me of her proposal, I was certain.”

Spock fell silent … Jim watched him, still in awe that his own feelings had been reciprocated. Finally, Kirk broke the silence, saying, “What made you change your mind, and invite me to dinner tonight?”

Spock looked up, and saw the love in Jim’s eyes, surprised to know that it was directed at him. “McCoy.” he said simply, and saw Jim nod.

“I should have known,” he said, smiling. Seeing the puzzled look Spock was giving him, he elaborated, “he told me today that I should tell you the whole story … that you would be very understanding of the situation. You see, he was there, on the Farragut, and helped me deal with this when it happened. Obviously, because of this, he also knows about my ‘preferences’ … so, a couple of years ago, when he realized I had feelings for you, I was not surprised.” It was now Jim’s turn to be puzzled, however, as something else occurred to him. “Whatever possessed you to tell McCoy about your feelings for me?”

“I did not … he is obviously very observant.”

“That he is.” Jim sat back, feeling completely relaxed for the first time in months. As he gazed across the room to where Spock was sitting, he noticed that he, too, looked more relaxed than usual. Breaking the silence, Jim asked, “so … what’s next? We still have to decide what the future holds for us.”

Spock stood, saying, “We do not need to make that decision tonight.” Crossing the room, he joined Jim on the sofa, sitting sideways, so that they were facing each other. “There have been enough words this evening,” he said, as he lightly traced a finger along Jim’s temple, brushing a stray lock of hair off of his forehead. He continued to trace along his cheek … the contour of his rounded ear … the outline of his firm lips. Leaning forward, his own lips followed the path of his finger, kissing Jim’s brow … the corner of his eyes … the tip of his ear … and ending in a tender kiss on the lips, as his hands continued their downward exploration.

It only took Jim a moment to join in on the exploration. As Spock’s touch set his soul on fire, he wondered once again if his own did the same to Spock … but at the moment, he was too busy to ask. He was quickly getting lost in the sensations … his need and desire overwhelming him. As they made their way into Spock’s bedroom, his last coherent thought was that he would have to thank Bones for forcing the issue … in the morning, of course.

**Author's Note:**

> Challenge: Near the end of the five-year mission, when Kirk is really beginning to feel the strain of command, Carol Marcus comes back into his life with a ten-year-old David in tow, and suddenly, the once dismissed prospect of home and hearth becomes a very real possibility to Kirk. How would Spock react?


End file.
